Today was weigh-in day... Uh-oh. I was really nervous. You see, I haven't weighed myself in about four months. I knew I gained some weight because I have recently been through a depression.(I'll talk about that more below). I honestly thought I would be at least 20 pounds over what my current weight is now, so I was very happy in that aspect. But sad, because I had gained roughly 17 pounds in those short four months. My depression has caused me to binge eat.. I don't throw it up. But I feel horrible after and I want to throw up, but I have two very small children that look up to me.
JUST SO YOU KNOW THIS NEXT STORY IS SEXUAL, PERSONAL AND VERY DIFFICULT TO RETELL. READERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
I have recently gotten better about my depression. I stopped taking medications because they made me a completely different person. I was irritable, sleepy all the time and not the same person I used to be. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. That being said I also believe that when something tragic happens to you, you can either learn from it and move on or let it consume you. It wasn't until recently that I took the first step in my journey to move on with my unfortunate experience. This is a very serious subject for me but I really feel like I need to speak about it. Who knows, maybe this will help someone and it may also open your eyes to the fact that these things can happen to anyone, and to not judge someone until you really get to know them. I am shaking and tearing up as I type this. But this is only because I know that some of my friends and relatives who do not know this about me will be reading this. *Takes a deep breath* Okay.. What started my depression happened years ago. Before I met my husband, I had a boyfriend who I thought loved me, and I thought I loved back. I trusted him, confided in him, and really believed he had my best interest in mind. I mean hey, that's what significant others do, right? I was sadly mistaken about this boy.. One day he, his best friend and I were all hanging out and out of no where he said that I should do sexual things to him and his friend at the same time. I said no way because I did not remotely even think about his friend that way. After a lot of convincing and badgering, I just agreed. It was awful. I kept saying no and that I didn't want to, but they really didn't care. They both proceeded to do things to me and told me to do things to them. That was the first time in my life that I actually felt dirty and disgusting. Like I should really just disappear. I still get that gross feeling in my stomach when I think about it now. They were both older than me. One was even legally an adult although he was only a few years older than us. This unfortunately went on for far too long. After a while, I was brainwashed into thinking that this was actually okay. I know now that it wasn't and that it wasn't my fault because I trusted this person. He manipulated me, abused me, and I let him. So yes, I know it's not my fault but still to this day, I can't go one day without thinking what I've been through. (Besides on the days that my kids were born, and my wedding day). It took me five years to tell anyone what happened to me. The first people I told were Matt (my husband) and my mom. My mom cried, Matt was in shock and they were both furious. Not with me though. With the guys that did this to me. It got so bad that I felt like I was being a lackluster mom. I couldn't focus and it was always in the back of my mind. At one point in time before I ever had kids, I even contemplated suicide. My mom and husband got me help and I saw a therapist. I wasn't afraid to tell my story anymore because now I KNOW that this unfortunately happens to people. Literally anyone. I actually confronted one of the guys who abused me. He apologized and I told him I never wanted to see him again, and he agreed he would stay out of my life forever.
Now that you know more of my story, I hope you can understand now when I talk about my depression as to how I got there. That depression is a real and scary thing. I hope this doesn't turn you away from my blog, for all of my posts won't be like this. But I just had to get it off of my chest. For the whole world to know.
If you have an eating disorder, know help is one click away here
If you have ever been abused, whether it be physically or mentally.. Please do not hesitate and click here
If you have been sexually abused, please click here
If you are thinking about suicide, I beg you to PLEASE click here
YOU ARE IMPORTANT. YOU MATTER. YOU MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
YOU ARE SPECIAL IN YOUR OWN WAY AND SOMEBODY LOVES AND CARES ABOUT YOU!
Thank you for reading and until next time,
TLFF
No comments:
Post a Comment