Day 004

       Today was weigh-in day... Uh-oh. I was really nervous. You see, I haven't weighed myself in about four months. I knew I gained some weight because I have recently been through a depression.(I'll talk about that more below). I honestly thought I would be at least 20 pounds over what my current weight is now, so I was very happy in that aspect. But sad, because I had gained roughly 17 pounds in those short four months. My depression has caused me to binge eat.. I don't throw it up. But I feel horrible after and I want to throw up, but I have two very small children that look up to me. 
JUST SO YOU KNOW THIS NEXT STORY IS SEXUAL, PERSONAL AND VERY DIFFICULT TO RETELL. READERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED.
  I have recently gotten better about my depression. I stopped taking medications because they made me a completely different person. I was irritable, sleepy all the time and not the same person I used to be. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. That being said I also believe that when something tragic happens to you, you can either learn from it and move on or let it consume you. It wasn't until recently that I took the first step in my journey to move on with my unfortunate experience. This is a very serious subject for me but I really feel like I need to speak about it. Who knows, maybe this will help someone and it may also open your eyes to the fact that these things can happen to anyone, and to not judge someone until you really get to know them. I am shaking and tearing up as I type this. But this is only because I know that some of my friends and relatives who do not know this about me will be reading this. *Takes a deep breath* Okay.. What started my depression happened years ago. Before I met my husband, I had a boyfriend who I thought loved me, and I thought I loved back. I trusted him, confided in him, and really believed he had my best interest in mind. I mean hey, that's what significant others do, right? I was sadly mistaken about this boy.. One day he, his best friend and I were all hanging out and out of no where he said that I should do sexual things to him and his friend at the same time. I said no way because I did not remotely even think about his friend that way. After a lot of convincing and badgering, I just agreed. It was awful. I kept saying no and that I didn't want to, but they really didn't care. They both proceeded to do things to me and told me to do things to them. That was the first time in my life that I actually felt dirty and disgusting. Like I should really just disappear. I still get that gross feeling in my stomach when I think about it now. They were both older than me. One was even legally an adult although he was only a few years older than us. This unfortunately went on for far too long. After a while, I was brainwashed into thinking that this was actually okay. I know now that it wasn't and that it wasn't my fault because I trusted this person. He manipulated me, abused me, and I let him. So yes, I know it's not my fault but still to this day, I can't go one day without thinking what I've been through. (Besides on the days that my kids were born, and my wedding day). It took me five years to tell anyone what happened to me. The first people I told were Matt (my husband) and my mom. My mom cried, Matt was in shock and they were both furious. Not with me though. With the guys that did this to me. It got so bad that I felt like I was being a lackluster mom. I couldn't focus and it was always in the back of my mind. At one point in time before I ever had kids, I even contemplated suicide. My mom and husband got me help and I saw a therapist. I wasn't afraid to tell my story anymore because now I KNOW that this unfortunately happens to people. Literally anyone. I actually confronted one of the guys who abused me. He apologized and I told him I never wanted to see him again, and he agreed he would stay out of my life forever. 
     Now that you know more of my story, I hope you can understand now when I talk about my depression as to how I got there. That depression is a real and scary thing. I hope this doesn't turn you away from my blog, for all of my posts won't be like this. But I just had to get it off of my chest. For the whole world to know. 
If you have an eating disorder, know help is one click away here
If you have ever been abused, whether it be physically or mentally.. Please do not hesitate and click here
If you have been sexually abused, please click here
If you are thinking about suicide, I beg you to PLEASE click here
     YOU ARE IMPORTANT. YOU MATTER. YOU MAKE A DIFFERENCE. 
   YOU ARE SPECIAL IN YOUR OWN WAY AND SOMEBODY LOVES AND CARES ABOUT YOU!
                                                       Thank you for reading and until next time,
                                                                            TLFF

Day 003

                                            This morning I woke up in a pretty good mood. The sun was shining, both babies were sound asleep.. So I got some much needed me time. What did I do? I cleaned. I cleaned and I made myself a breakfast smoothie and I just watched tv. Sounds silly, but just getting an hour of alone time to actually sit through a meal and do what I want, can make a huge difference on my mood for the rest of the day. I actually have inspiration to work out. I ate very well today, and I actually had energy (that's a first time in a very long time). I also tried a new food today! Spaghetti squash. Let me tell you.. It was... DELICIOUS!!! It tasted almost exactly like pasta. It had a slight crunch to it as if the noodles from pasta were al-dente, the squash was lightly sweet but not super sweet like acorn squash. I put some ragu over mine and if I didn't make it myself, I would have thought that they were some different kind of noodle. If you're like me, and pasta is a MUST to eat, I highly recommend this tasty meal. I can easily scarf down half a box of pasta by myself. That is just a whole lot of calories and unwanted simple carbs. One cup of spaghetti (white noodles) has approximately 220 calories. Where as one cup of cooked spaghetti squash has about 42 calories. I actually ate the whole squash by myself. I'm not one for counting calories, but I do try to watch my intake. I like to eat until I'm full (which hasn't happened much at all lately, but I'll get to that in a later post).

         What else I did today, my husband, babies and I went grocery shopping. Not full blown, but we got a few items. I really wanted to get a couple of substitutions for foods I crave; pasta, ice cream, and pizza. Those are the main foods I crave throughout the day. I decided to get some healthy hot pockets (yes, I realize they are not the best for you, but they are much better than what I normally eat). I also got another spaghetti squash for the reasons I listed above. Another item I put on that list, is a box of ice cream bars. Low fat and low calorie. Ice cream (along with pizza) are the greatest creations in food known to man. Every time after I'm done with a meal, I graze for a sweet snack. that's where my healthier ice cream bars come in.. Along with some peanut dark chocolate protein bars I got. The last thing on my list isn't that healthy at all. But it only comes around once a year and it is amazing, is eggnog. Yum. It's so sweet and creamy that I'd honestly rather have a small glass of that than cheesecake. And that is saying a lot.

Once I got home and all of my groceries were put away, the kids husband and I had dinner, and we played, I started to meal prep. I love salads but especially with cut up chicken inside. I feel if a salad has really good toppings on it like chicken, tuna, nuts, other veggies and tomatoes, then it doesn't really need a lot of dressing (if any at all). So I just get enough chicken for my husband and I for the next two days, cook them in my nuwave oven. It lets me cook anything from frozen to perfectly cooked in so little time! (Click on link if you're interested). Then I cut them up and pop 'em in the fridge. That way, when we go to use them in our salads it'll be so much easier and quicker to grab and go! Meal prepping is very important. I've learned that over the years. If you don't prep out what you want to eat for the next couple of days, then when it comes time that you're hungry and go to grab some food.. You open the fridge and nothing is prepared, so you go grab something unhealthy like a candy bar or chips because it's there. If you have a lifestyle like mine where you have to be on the fly a lot and don't really have a whole lot of time to make a meal, then I highly suggest meal prep. Now I'm not saying go crazy style and cook the whole bag of chicken breasts, freeze  them and prep your meals for the next three weeks. I just do it for a couple days. It's easier to handle, and I don't feel so overwhelmed.

Tomorrow is weigh in day! Why tomorrow? Because I got to borrow my mom's scale since I don't have one of my own. So tomorrow just seems like the day to do it. Now I don't know how much I weigh at the moment because I've had a lot of troubles lately (that I will talk about tomorrow). So hopefully I won't be too upset. 

Thank you for reading and until next time, 

              TLFF

Day 002

                            The quote in the image above may sound simple enough. Just believe you can do it. What else is there to it, right? Well for me along with others, it is not that simple. If I think about the body I want, I can totally see it. But can I see MYSELF in that body? Sometimes. Most times, it's just a blur way in the distance. I feel like I will never get there. I'm either too lazy to workout, or too hungry to eat in moderation. (Can you say calzones?) So I'm trying to find a balance of how to start this journey. To "believe in myself a little more". I'm going to take it one step at a time. Workout a little bit here and there, eat a little better than what my norm is, and eventually the fat will be melting off when I get into a routine. It's currently 2:17 in the afternoon and so far I have had half of a peanut butter sandwich, and a slim fast smoothie (One scoop vanilla slim fast powder, one cup of milk, and a serving of frozen berries).

           I also walked on the treadmill for a little while, not long at all.. But I figure that walking for five minutes is still better than not walking at all. I'm also going to try to not compare myself to other girls. That will be really hard for me personally. I'm always finding myself seeing a girl with a slim figure, or toned and wearing a tight shirt and shorts and pulling it off amazingly. Not having to worry about rolls or if her muffin top sticks over. See? There I go again. I feel like I can't help it...but I can. One day, I WILL be one of those girls that can wear any outfit and not have to worry about rolls or a muffin top.   

                     Another difficult challenge for me is going to be to not eat as much. I eat literally all the time. From the time I wake up, until I go to sleep. It also doesn't help that my all time favorite foods are pizza and ice cream. I know I can overcome them, though. To be able to eat them once and a while in moderation. I know this because I was once literally addicted to soda. Pepsi, to be exact. Right when I woke up I would crack one open. It was my best friend. It was always there. I would drink well over six sodas a day..A good day. A bad day I would drink at least eight to ten.. It's hard to come clean about this, but I don't even keep soda in my house and when I do go out to eat, I usually get a clear soda. I made progress on my soda addiction so I know I can make progress on my junk food addiction. It will take time. It will take frustration and tears.. But I can do it. I will do it. 

             In a way, I just want to fast forward to when I look exactly how I want to. Where would the fun in that be, though? I would miss my kids growing up. My husband and I bonding and building our marriage. I would also miss myself growing as a person. So in those aspects, I don't want to fast forward. I just am so happy to be starting this journey and that you are here with me. Because even if you are one, or maybe two people keeping up with my blog, that means the world to me. I need all of the support I can get. 

Thank you for reading and until next time, 

               TLFF 

Day 001

Welcome to my blog!

     Hello there, gorgeous. If you don't know me already, my name is Amy. But here, just call me The Little Fit Freak. I am 20 years young, married to my soul mate, and have two perfect babies. The whole reason why I am on here is to share my journey with you. Hopefully relate to you on a lot of topics, share recipes and workouts, and just be able to vent about the struggle of fat and weight loss. Because it is NOT easy. I know this first hand. Let me share a little bit of my story...
     WARNING: HEAVY INFORMATION AHEAD. READ WITH CAUTION.
          It all started around the time I was about the age of six. A very young, happy, and playful little girl who was by no means overweight. I would look at myself in the mirror and not like what I saw. Why? I'm not sure. My mom and dad always told me that I was beautiful, and no one around me was negative about their looks at that time. So why did I get this thought in my head that I was fat? I would literally stare at myself in the mirror, sucking in my stomach and thinking about how much "better" that looked. I would play with my friends and we would be in swimsuits and I would feel huge. I would think about food and my body image literally all day long. This sadly, has never gone away. I always put on a confident face with a smile, and that pushed me through. That is, until I met a boy. This boy I thought was the greatest thing on Earth. Ha.. He was funny and smart, made me laugh and could draw really well. So I thought he was great from the get-go. We became friends, developed crushes, started dating.. Had the whole "girl next door" situation going on (literally). I was about 14 when he thought he would joke around with me. Which was a daily thing. But only this time, he decided to call me fat. "I am NOT!" I would say to him. And he would drop it. Or so I thought. It would turn into him "joking" about how fat I was once a month, then once a week, then multiple times a week. And eventually, it turned into every time I went to put food in my mouth. "You're eating AGAIN?! Fat ass". Even though I had only eaten lunch that day..
             Once you start to hear something over and over again from multiple people, even if it's meant to be a joke, you start to believe what they say. It's hard not to! So I started taking every word he said into consideration. I would wake up at 4:00 in the morning on school days and work out for an hour, get ready, go to school, come home, go outside and play football with those jerks I called friends, come home and eat dinner, then work out for another hour, and finally go to bed. I was seriously so skinny, that looking back I cant believe my pants even stayed on. I hated to be called fat so I did everything in my power to stop him from using those hurtful words. But it never stopped. We broke up for other reasons that are too personal to post right now. After the breakup, I was sad (naturally, we dated for 3 years). I put on some weight and I seriously had never felt sexier. I was confident, happy, and felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. That is actually during the time that I met my now-husband, Matthew. He is such a wonderful support and the love of my life.. Heck, he's who helped motivate me to write a blog. (A rambling one, nonetheless). We fell in love, had two babies within two years of each other, and now... I'm the biggest I've ever been. I'm considered "overweight" according to my BMI (body mass index) and I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I want to be confident again. Not only for myself or my husband, but my children. They deserve to have a happy mommy and one who is confident. A mom who can teach them they healthy side of life and that it IS possible to overcome obstacles. But most importantly, a mom who will be around a long time.
          So this is me. This is who I am and where I came from. Every day (or as often as I can) I will write about what's going on in the head of someone who is not only overweight, but has body dysmorphic disorder (click here if you're not sure what that is). So stay tuned, ask me questions. Feel free to send me your favorite healthy recipes and work outs! Lets take this journey together, Help me stay motivated! Thank you for reading and until next time,
                                                                                           TLFF